keep pushing

i am working so hard, and i feel as though my pile of "to do" doesnt get any smaller... i finished my two major projects and feel incredibly confident about both... you would think that if you finished two huge ones there would just be a few more things to finish up... no... your list doesnt shrink. 2d portfolio, english resume, history quizzes and test, 2d online quizzes.... i want to feel accomplished but i cant bring myself to be proud just yet.. thursday at 1120.. i can start to feel relief... until then, its late nights, caffeine, emotional breakdowns...

JESUS, i had my 3D final selected for the foundation show at the end of the school year... i should be elated... but what happened? i got to my car, and broke down? thats not the correct reaction.. im just tired.. i need a break... i miss my best friend... who is really busy with his own finals... but it would help me to know that i have someone who is excited to see me when i get home.... i love where i am at, i am no longer just another "student" i have made a name for myself, the concepts of each of my final projects are slowly blending together... i am developing a style... but i just need to finish these next two days.. its hard for me to be so stressed, especially because i havent had this much pressure to create things before... i like the pressure... but at the same time... such intense work loads and deadlines are almost stripping personality from my projects... at least we had more time to work on our final projects... they actually mean something... they show me... they are noah christopherson originals... not just a run of the mill project that looks like everyone elses in the class... i am proud of where i am... i am proud of what i have done and what i have learned... i just need the time off to register what i have obtained and actually see how it is applied in art of my own style, with no rules or guidelines....

will i have enough creativity in me to create over break? am i burnt out? is it just this week? does my creativity run out? have all the rules stifled me? when is it time to break free and create for me? i know foundation year is important, and the education i am getting is really high quality... but nearly all of my projects lack personality... and i know i have a lot of personality... they blend in... people copy ideas, input changes our design.. but it doesnt make it more personal... it makes it more of a factory of meaningless pieces.

"i dont really believe in flooding the market with loads of goods that dont mean much... you end up losing your identity"- lee alexander mcqueen

i know its school and im not a professional and i am just frustrated with the slow pace of time passing.. and i know it will change... but for now, in my current weak emotional state... i need to vent about the lack of fun im having when creating some of my week to week projects for school... is that so bad?

I WANT TO HAVE A PERSONALITY AGAIN...


I MISS THE SPARKLE IN MY EYE AND THE DRIVE TO CREATE BEAUTIFUL THINGS.


WHEN THE FUCK IS IT COMING BACK?


that is all.